Are you bored and lonely? Are you tired of no one coming to your cookouts, old women making the sign of the cross when they pass by your home, or people whispering rumours about bodies in your basement?
Whether you just bought a patch of real estate in Toronto and want to reassure your neighbours that you’re a proper hockey-lovin’, syrup-slurpin’ hoser, or you’re a longtime Chicago Mafioso looking for a reputation makeover before the big murder trial, once you try these tips you’ll have so many new friends you’ll never know solitude again.
You’ve been warned.
Spruce up the entrance
That “Abandon all hope ye who enter here” sign above the front door might be a family heirloom, but it’s not exactly helping your standing with the local Neighborhood Watch. Why not swap it out for a friendly welcome mat or cheery wind-chime? Make sure your first impression is a good one by sprucing up the front porch and foyer with some cute decorations and tasteful potted plants. Don’t worry, there will be plenty of time to get weird once the poor unsuspecting saps are already inside.
Let in plenty of light
This obviously excludes any vampires. For the rest of us, though, it’s time to tear those wooden planks off the windows and let some sunlight into the house. In all seriousness, having too many shades or curtains just puts up barriers between you and the rest of the neighbourhood, and it also makes the interior of your home feel cramped and dark. Natural light makes rooms feel bigger, and bigger is always better regardless of what your ex told you.
Provide comfy seating
Make sure there’s plenty of seating for all your guests, and make sure it’s comfortable. A cushiony sectional couch and some soft armchairs will give visitors an opportunity to relax and unwind. And that’s when you spring the trap!
Adjust the thermostat
Now is your chance to get revenge on your dad for all the times he yelled at you about touching the thermostat. Touch it all you want, it’s yours. Even still, you should probably try to maintain a comfortable temperature. Not too hot, not cold. You know, the Goldilocks rule of thermodynamics. There’s no better way to encourage guests to make themselves at home than by providing some much-needed A/C in the summer and toasty warmth in the winter.
Maximize your space
You ever watch a Godzilla movie and wonder why that big green lizard is so mad all the time? It’s probably because he can’t take one lousy step without tripping over a skyscraper. You think Legos hurt when you step on ‘em, try banging your shin against a nuclear power plant! Make sure your visitors never know that pain by keeping obstacles to a minimum. Cluttering up rooms with too many decorations, furniture, or… well… clutter is a good way to guarantee no one wants to come over. Ever.
Utilize pleasant scents
No, I don’t mean chloroform-soaked rags. I mean candles. Incense. Diffusers. The whole nines. Aromatherapy is a powerful tool for any homemaker, allowing you to fill a room with the appealing smell of exotic flowers or freshly made baked goods. Just don’t confuse a cinnamon cookie-scented candle for the real thing. I made that mistake once and I can tell you one thing: wax goes right to the hips. Well, at least my breath was a lot more tolerable.