1. Weeing with the toilet door open.
Actually it turns out that this one is fairly sensible. You need to have the door open so you can hear what is going on. If I’ve left Emily in her cot or playing downstairs I need to be able to listen out for any cries of distress. Not sure what I’d do if it happened though. It’d probably be a drip dry and a hop, skip and a jump down the stairs whilst pulling my knickers up. The only alternative to this is…
2. Taking my child to the bathroom with me.
Yeah I know there are some situations where this is unavoidable but I’m talking about the ones where you really didn’t have to. Sometimes it’s just easier though. I stick her on the bath mat and she giggles at the sound my wee makes in the toilet bowl. I’ve even been for a wee with Emily in the sling. She’ll hate me for that one day but when you’ve got to go.
3. Using spit as an all-purpose cleaner.
A classic mum trick. I think the reason I hated my mum doing this was because she’d do it everywhere and anywhere, regardless of who was watching. In my mind, it seems like she was still doing this when I was about 18. However, when you’ve got a wiggly baby with something on their face/hands/clothes and nothing else in reach, then spit is the most sensible option. And it does the job.
4. Take embarrassing pictures of my child naked.
This turns out to be one of the joys of being a parent although from the perspective of the child it is positively traumatic. You live in fear of your parents digging out THAT photo in front of your friends. There is a photo of me wearing nothing, yes nothing, but a paper crown from Burger King around my waist when I was of an age much older than I should’ve been. It makes me cringe thinking about it, but my mum and dad think it’s cute and hilarious. Ugh! I have already got some great pictures of Emily that I fully intend to save and have printed on her 18th birthday cake. She’ll never forgive me. Mwahahaha!
5. Talk endlessly about how wonderful my kids are.
I mean my parents have been so damn lucky with their kids. My sister and I are awesome but I swear their friends must think that they go on about it a bit. Before having Emily, I was under the belief that I would be able to hold conversations about things other than her. Turns out it’s not possible. She is so amazing, funny, clever and cute that I don’t shut up about her. I even started a blog so that I could talk about her even more. Probably write a book next or produce a film. It turns out I’m even worse than my mum at this one.
There you have it. I’m sure this list will grow with time. One day Emily will tell me that she is never going to do these things when she has kids and I’ll scoff and tell her to wait until she’s got some. Then point and laugh at her when she does them.